1. Loss of Freedom: I'm SO enjoying the freedom, autonomy, and utter independence I have right now. I can go anywhere, meet whomever I want, and use my time as I please. I can spend my money the way I want, enjoy my apartment, and be alone as much as I need or want. I don't want to feel like I have to choose between my career--the time and didication I love putting into it-- and a significant other.
2. Picking the wrong one: I fear falling for "the wrong one," because I worry about the fall out that would come having to recover from that pain (mostly because I'll beat myself up over it).
3. Picking the RIGHT one: I fear falling for the "right" one, because that means I'll have to or inherently have to choose between my freedom, dedication to my career, and other things. Plus it means I won't have freedom to travel whenever, make decisions about choosing to pursue a PhD or different career path, etc.
When I originally thought about this post, I thought my fears were #1 and #2. I thought that if my fear was finding the wrong one, then I needed to start getting over it and just be open to guys when I meet them. I've been pretty stand-offish with men who approach me, and have been trying to figure out why. I don't like leading guys on, but im not even flirting back! I always wonder how girls can just flirt and not feel guilty, when they know they're not interested. Hence, why I don't flirt or have my guard up.
However, #3 poses an interesting revelation, because it might be the ultimate/true issue/fear: the fear of the freedom I have of not having to care. I'm not ready to be self-less in the sense that I'd have to consider someone else's feelings as I make my life choices. Because I know once I'm in love, that's how I'll be; I can't NOT be considerate of my loved-ones feelings or NOT put them first at times. It's my natural inclination, and so as love and relationships mean more committment/marriage, I find myself backing away because I'm not ready to feel so strongly that I'd compromise.
I don't know exactly what my next steps are, but knowing those fears may help me open up and just meet guys and not take anything too seriously. I want to meet guys and just date around, and though I don't want to lead anyone on, I want to work on embracing my sexual side. I always struggle with how my energy is sexual, and constantly feeling viewed in an overly sexualized way in this scociety. But there's something so empowering in own my confidence and sexuality, and at the newly minted age of 30, I want to own it 100, unashamedly. Even if it brings me the wrong or right one, at the same time.
